WHY TRUMP IS TO BLAME FOR FILTH IN LINCOLN PARK
A LINCOLN PARK NEWSLETTER INVESTIGATION: Donald Trump says he needs to take over the city to make it safe and beautiful. But he can’t even empty the damn trash.
TRASH PILES UP WHILE PARK SERVICE REHABS STATUE OF CONFEDERATE GENERAL
By Tommy Woodward and Scherzer Bernstein
As President Donald Trump threatens to take federal control of the District of Columbia, the commander-in-chief demonstrates he cannot even take out the trash.
An investigation by the newly formed Department of Goofy Government Inefficiency (DOGGIE) has determined that Donald Trump’s plan to replace a confederate statue in Judiciary Square has resulted in a vast transfer of staff from trash collection to trash restoration.
Instead of removing trash from Lincoln Park, Department of Interior staff have been directed to restore trash — a statue of a Confederate and Klansman — to federal property in D. C.
A DOGGIE investigation has determined that dustmen who remove trash from Lincoln Park have been diverted because the National Park Service is planning to restore and reinstall a statue of Albert Pike, a Confederate general and Freemason leader, that was toppled during protests in 2020.
Pike was human trash. Born in Boston and settled later in Arkansas, Pike joined the anti-Catholic and anti-immigrant Know-Nothing Party. But the party was too moderate for Pike. Pike and other delegates walked out of their convention when the party wouldn't support enslaving Blacks.
Pike became a Confederate general in 1861, working between the Confederacy and native tribes. Histories of the Ku Klux Klan have identified him as a post-Civil War leader of the Klan.
The National Park Service announced Aug. 4 that it will restore and reinstall the bronze statue of Pike, the same day trash piled up in Lincoln Park. Coincidence? A DOGGIE investigation concludes otherwise.
The NPS said that the restoration aligns with federal responsibilities under historic preservation law as well as recent executive orders to beautify the nation’s capital and re-instate pre-existing statues.
Meanwhile, the latest is Trump’s reissued executive order, “Making DC Safe and Beautiful.” This netted immediate results — the investigation of nearly a dozen canine scofflaws in Lincoln Park. Several witnesses said three Park Police squad cars arrived Friday evening in Lincoln Park and that officers conducted a roundup of four-legged migrants who were scurrying on green grass.
Under explicit orders from President Trump, Park Police officers exited their squad cars and ordered park-goers to put their pets on leashes. Trump immediately posted on Truth Social: “KEEPING THE NATION’S CAPITAL SAFE: SCOFFLAWS BUSTED IN LINCOLN PARK!! MAKE DC GREAT AGAIN!”
The dogs were then escorted by masked ICE agents and whisked to Alligator Alcatraz, where they were fed to alligators.
Trump’s planned “takeover” of D.C. comes after he has repeatedly slammed it as unsafe, filthy and badly run.
The Washington Post reported on Sunday that the FBI has begun dispatching about 120 agents in overnight shifts to help local law enforcement prevent carjackings and violent crime in Washington.
According to his Thursday declaration, the security lockdown will run for seven days, “with the option to extend as needed.”
In an online post Saturday, Trump said Democratic-controlled Washington would be one of the country’s safest cities and he announced a White House news conference for Monday.
Though he offered no details, DOGGIE has learned Trump will perp walk pets purloined from the park at 11th and East Capitol.
TRUMP FIGHTS CRIME BY CUTTING SECURITY FUNDING
SURE. MAKES TOTAL SENSE
BY WTOP
https://wtop.com/dc/2025/08/trump-administration-slashes-dcs-security-funding-by-44/
While President Donald Trump said crime in the District is “totally out of control,” his administration said it will cut security funding for the D.C. area.
The Federal Emergency Management Agency plans to cut $20 million from D.C.
FEMA’s urban security fund cuts for D.C. drops the funding to $25.2 million from the Fiscal Year 2025 Homeland Security Grant Program.
The D.C. area is not the only area impacted by cuts around the country. New York City, Chicago, San Francisco, Los Angeles and Jersey City will all receive less funds from FEMA this year.
The reason for the cuts, according to The Department of Homeland Security, which FEMA is a part of, is to align with “current threat landscape, because they observed a shift from large-scale, coordinated attacks like 9/11 to simpler, small-scale assaults, heightening the vulnerability of soft targets and crowded spaces in urban areas.”
CUB SCOUT RECRUITING IN LINCON PARK
Cub Scout Pack 380 will hold a recruitment drive on Wednesday, Aug. 27 from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. in Lincoln Park. Boys and girls in grades K-5th grade are invited along with their parent or guardian.
RATS!
The rats have moved from Urn No. 1 to Urn No. 2 to Urn No. 3.
Piles of dirt at the base of your concrete planter are a strong indication of rat activity. The rats push out the dirt when they move in to live in your urn. If you need some help de-ratting your planter, let us know.
The Lincoln Park Listserv highlight:
Figs are free and. available at 201 12th St. SE Help yourself.
-Eli Rosenfeld
lincolnparkdc@lincolnparkdc.info
Here’s the UPDATED urn map
https://docs.google.com/drawings/d/1VAZgfCet1HjsOZBS8_WRa9vYzJILYqlRLcaXCnOL7Lw/edit?usp=sharing
The Fine Print
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